Temple Lessons I

Posted by Adam to humor on Thursday January 12, 2006.
Here is its permanent location

Just reposting this so that all the Temple Lessons are on one site. Thanks to Curious for an archived copy.

More Lessons from the Temple: [2, 3, 4, 5]

1

One monk said to the other, “The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it live?”
The other said, “When you have gotten out of the net, I’ll tell you.”
The first monk grabbed the second and pinned his arms beyond his back.
“I now realize that my own illusion of freedom has entangled me,” the second monk said.
The first monk replied. “I have not eaten in many days. I want that fish, and I will go to any means to get it.”

2

A monk said to Joshu, “Your stone bridge is widely renowned, but coming here I find only a heap of rocks.”
Joshu said, “You see only the stones and not the bridge.”
The monk said, “What is the bridge?”
Joshu said, “What do you think we are walking on?”

The monk picked up one of the stones and beat Joshu about the head until he was bloody.

Joshu said, “I guess I deserved that.”

3

Some professors asked a monk to lecture to them on spiritual matters. The monk ascended a podium, struck it once with his stick, and descended. The academics were dumb-founded. The monk asked them, “Do you understand what I have told you?”

One professor said, “I do not understand.”
The monk said, “Then I have concluded my lecture.”

Another professor said, “We will not pay you for this lecture.”

4

A student said to the chief monk, “Help me to pacify my mind!”
The chief monk said, “Bring your mind over here and I will pacify it.”
The student said, “But I don’t know where my mind is!”
The monk replied, “Then I have already pacified it.”
The student said, “Explain to me in detail what you have just done.”
The chief monk was silent.
The student said, “Well?”
The monk hung his head, saying, “I tried to confuse you so that you would go away.”

5

A monk said to Joshu, “I have just entered this monastery. Please teach me.”
“Have you eaten your breakfast?” Joshu asked.
“Yes, I have,” replied the student.
“Then you had better wash your bowl.”
The monk washed his bowl and returned to Joshu the next day.
“Why did it take you so long to wash your bowl?” Joshu asked.
“This is not the same bowl,” replied the student.
At that moment, Joshu attained enlightenment.

6

A young monk asked his teacher, “What is the true spiritual nature of life?”
His teacher picked up a bowl of water and threw it in the student’s face, saying “go wash out your mouth!”
The young monk picked up a rag and dried off his face. “Why don’t you make me, old man?”

7

A wise master, taking a bamboo stick, said to the people, “If you call this a stick, you fall into the trap of words, but if you do not call it a stick, you contradict facts. So what do you call it?”

At that time a monk in the assembly came forth. He snatched the stick, broke it in two, and threw the pieces across the room.

The room became silent and all eyes turned to the monk.
“Now we are even, my brother,” the monk said.
“I have no brother. My brother died many years ago,” said the old master.
“You will soon wish that he had,” replied the monk, as he turned and left.

8

A monk sat in the forest with his three students. He took out his fan and placed it in front of him, saying, “Without calling it a fan, tell me what this is.”

The first said, “You couldn’t call it a slop-bucket.” The master poked him with his stick.

The second and third students were actually rocks that the master had mistaken for students, because it was getting very dark. Suddenly, the master and his pupil felt alone and afraid.

In the distance, a wolf howled.

9

The chief monk at the monastery was looking for someone to replace him. He called the monks together and placed in front of them a water bottle. He said, “without calling this a water bottle, tell me what it is.”

One monk said, “It is not a block of wood.”

Another poured himself a drink.

Just then the cook, who had been watching all of this, walked across the room and kicked the water bottle over. The cook was made head of the monastery.

At that moment, several monks attained enlightenment.

Another monk asked the cook, “how did you know the solution to the master’s riddle?”

The cook replied, “that water bottle was making lewd comments about me, so I kicked it.”

The chief monk laughed and said, “he’s your problem now, suckers.”

10

Two sages were standing on a bridge over a stream.
One said to the other, “I wish I were a fish. They are so happy.”
The other replied, “How do you know whether fish are happy or not? You’re not a fish.”
The first said, “But you’re not me, so how do you know whether or not I know how fish feel?”
The other thought for a moment and replied, “Because I was a fish in my previous life.”
The first scowled at him. He said, “then you wouldn’t mind if I threw you off this bridge, would you?”

At that moment, the first sage attained enlightenment.
He told the other sage what had happened.
“Yeah, I attained enlightenment too,” the other sage said. He was lying.

11

The student Doko came to the temple, and said, “I am seeking the truth. In what state of mind should I train myself, so as to find it?”

Since all the monks were meditating, there was no answer to his question.

The student Doko then approached a wise monk, who was cutting firewood. He said, “I am seeking the truth. In what state of mind should I train myself, so as to find it?”

Since the monk was cutting firewood, there was no answer to his question.

Doko left the temple in disgust, never to return. On the way back to his village, he fell into a hole and was bitten by a snake. In that instant, he thought he attained enlightenment, but it was the poison. Back at the monastery, the monks hoarded more of their precious, precious firewood.

12

Joshu asked the teacher Nansen, “What is the True Way?”
Nansen answered, “Every way is the true Way.”
Joshu asked, “Can I study it?”
Nansen answered, “The more you study, the further from the Way.”
Joshu asked, “If I don’t study it, how can I know it?”
Nansen answered, “The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. It does not belong to things known, nor to things unknown. Do not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open yourself as wide as the sky.”
Joshu asked, “How did you learn this?”
Nansen answered, “I was told it by the constant Tao which inhabits all things.”
Joshu said, “Some day I will kill you and take your place.”