How to Get to Seattle from My Mom’s House:
A Post-Apocalyptic Odyssey

Leave driveway and drive south to the intersection of 49th and Grey. Turn left onto Grey, then turn right at the intersection of Grey and Van Giesen. Take Van Giesen until you reach the I-182 exit at Benton City. Take the exit, and leave the world you know behind. Turn to your companion in the vehicle and notice that his face is now a grinning skull. Is he still alive? Yes, but not in the fashion to which you are accustomed. He can hear you, but he cannot respond. He can think, but not as men do, and he can act, but he no longer has any desire to.

Pass the next 62.2 miles in silence. Turning on the radio will reveal sounds which seem familiar, but have no meaning to you. Sometimes you will seem to understand for a moment, but the words, if that is what they are, are like dark fish in a deep pond. You will pass Sunnyside, Union Gap, and finally Yakima, where bone trees grow from the broken back of the land. Do not stop here, or you will never leave.

Take the I-90 exit outside of Yakima and ascend Umptanum Ridge, elevation 2,189 feet. Reality here is like a sugar cube, and if it rains now you will wash away. Your companion will now begin a shrieking, hideous laugh that will not end, and from his gaping bone-white jaws a tide of locusts will pour forth, filling the car. You will try to open the doors and throw yourself onto the road, but you are a ghost in this place and cannot change what must come to pass. As the locusts roll over you and fill your lungs, you will cough them out until you cannot breath, then you will lose consciousness.

When you awaken, you will be in Ellensburg. This is a good place to stop for gas, because it has the last Conoco on this side of the state. In Seattle, there are no Conoco stations.

Return to I-90 and continue for 84 miles until you reach Snoqualmie pass. This is a land of giants, and you must answer their riddles before continuing on your way. You will pass a hangman’s tree, and a garden of stone children, and a wide river with a blind boatman on its shore. You will pass several ski resorts. You will begin to shrink, and as you shrink in space you will also shrink in time, until a second becomes a lifetime. You will die and be reborn. Watch your dashboard for warning lights; the roadside is littered with the husks of those whose radiators have boiled over.

After traveling 51 miles, you will pass the town of North Bend, 34 miles outside of Seattle. Though it claims to have an outlet mall, it is only a mathematical abstraction drawn on the earth by some mad god or gods. By now, your companion will have disappeared. You will not see him again until the living meet the dead at last and for all of time.

Cross the floating bridge near Mercer Island. Beneath it is a giant sleeping sea-god. You can see his many arms swaying just below the surface. Sacrifice something to him.
Something of value.

Soon you will reach the outskirts of Seattle. Take the I-5 exit heading north towards downtown Seattle. If anyone is still alive, you will be greeted by the Mayor Greg Nichols and the Council of Six. They will cut off your finger and burn it to see if you are human or not. If you pass their tests, your journey is still far from over, as there is an army of evil rising out the Puget Sound which threatens to breach the western wall.

Total distance: 221 miles
Total traveling time: 16,818 years