Lance Armstrong is still wearing the yellow jersey in the Tour de France, indicating, of course, that he is in the lead. Big surprise.

We all applauded old Lance when he battled back from testicular cancer and not only survived, but returned to competitive cycling. Nobody could believe the guts that guy showed just to get out of bed in the morning, not to mention the gigantic nuts, so to speak, it took to go out there and race against the best in the world. Everybody said what a hero he was just to be there, but then when he won we were all just amazed. The skill! The determination! The courage!

Then he won his second tour, and it seemed like the whole world was waiting for him at the finish line. It was no fluke, this guy was for real. What an athlete.

Then he won for the third time, and by then we were getting a little tired of clapping for him, to tell you the truth. It was like, ok Lance, great, you proved your point, you’re not just a survivor, you’re a winner. You’re the best in the world, nobody can even compare. Now take a vacation, seriously, get to know your family a little better.

Then last year he took the cup home for the fourth time. People started calling it the Tour de Lance. Sure, we still congratulated him in public, but behind his back we all sort of wondered what he was compensating for.

I mean, what it came down to was, we wondered if he still had both nuts and everything.

I got a call from him one day, about a week after the ‘02 race.
“Lance, great to hear from you,” I said.
“Four times, baby!” he said.
“A 4-peat,” I mumbled, humoring him.

And now he’s in the lead for the fifth time, and you know, it’s not that we don’t respect him, even admire him for all the stuff he’s done, but there’s something sort of disturbing and sad about it. It’s like Michael Jordan paying a 9-year old to play one on one with him, and just kicking the shit out of him for hours and hours, even after the little kid is tired and asks if he can go home. And the kid has serious asthma.

Still, you know.. don’t get me wrong, he’s a hero and everything. I guess I just don’t know what the protocol is on this: does it get more amazing every time he wins, or less amazing? This is a tricky one, because, you know, the cancer and everything.