Sometimes, when I’m lucid, I ask myself, “what specific steps can I take to attract weirdos and perverts to my blog?”

After about an hour and a half of really solid rumination, the answer finally came to me: fan fiction about Harry Potter.

So here are some possible beginnings to internet fan fiction stories about Harry Potter and his friends. Yes, I am crossing a line with this, a line that separates good people from bad people.

1.
“So Harry, maybe you could, you know, come up to my—”
“Got to study for the Potions test, Hermione, no time to talk!” said Harry Potter, running up the stairs to the boy’s dormitory of Gryffindor tower.
Hermione shook her head. Boys could be so clueless sometimes. She had been trying to get Harry to notice her for years, but he didn’t seem to have any interest in girls at all. All he cared about was quidditch.
“Fucking quidditch,” she sighed. She threw her school bag down on the table in the common room and took out her copy of Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling, along with her wand. “I suppose I should get some more studying in as well,” she said, and raised her wand in preparation for an Engorgio spell. She found herself staring at the wand.
“Funny, I never noticed the shape of this wand before. It’s quite nice, really.”
Just then a thought entered her mind. Perhaps she didn’t need Harry Potter after all…

2.
Harry and Ron knocked on the oversized door of Hagrid’s shack, still wondering why their Care of Magical Creatures teacher had been so insistent on seeing them as soon as possible. The two boys heard a commotion inside, and a muffled “Jus’ a mo’, jus’ a mo’, I’ll be roit there,” from inside the shack. Moments later, Hagrid the giant opened the door.
”’Ello boys, gla’ you could make it.”
“What’s this about, Hagrid, is something wrong?”
Hagrid scratched his head with a finger that was the size of a corn cob.
“Wha? No, nothin’s wrong, exactly. Here then, step inside, step inside,” he said, motioning for them to enter.
Inside the shack, Ron and Harry could see that a large blanket had thrown over something in the middle of the room. Whatever was underneathe it seemed to be snoring.
“Err, I guess it’s still asleep,” said Hagrid.
“It? Oh no, Hagrid, don’t tell me you’re raising another dragon!” said Harry.
“No, ‘snot a dragon, it’s… well, I think there’s a time in every boy’s life when he needs to learn to… that is to say, he ought to ‘ave some practice… err, well, why don’ you take off the blanket and see for yerselves.”
Harry removed the blanket. The creature that was under it was unlike any the two boys had ever seen before.
“What is it?” asked Ron.
“It’s called a Nympholumpus,” said Hagrid, gesturing.

3.
Harry poured the last drops of Leech juice into his shrinking potion and stirred the concoction three times, counterclockwise. Suddenly, the room was filled with blue smoke and the beaker holding Harry’s potion exploded. As he was coughing and trying to find his way to the door, Harry heard the icy voice of Professor Snape coming from behind him.
“Stir four times, not three, and clockwise, not counterclockwise. Ten points from Gryffindor for gross incompetence and obvious inability to follow even the simplest directions. Come to my office this evening, Potter, we shall work on your obedience.”
Just then the bell rang, and Harry slinked out of the classroom, amidst the laughter of Draco Malfoy and others. “Great,” he thought, “what else could go wrong today?”
Later that evening, Harry knocked on the door to Snape’s office. “Enter,” came a commanding voice from inside. Harry opened the door and saw that Snape was seated behind his desk, but instead of his usual teacher’s robes he was wearing leather chaps and holding a…

Crap, you know what? At this point I feel like it’s best to just call the whole thing off. Screw you for reading this far, you pervert.