Pizza Hut has put cheese inside the crust, toppings all the way to the edge, put one pizza on top of another pizza, put cheese on the crust itself, made deep dish pizza, hand-tossed, folded a pizza in half and called it a calzone, they’ve even baked an entire lasagne inside a pizza pie and called it the Lasagne Lover’s Pizza, or maybe that was just in a dream I had, a horrible dream where nothing made sense and I couldn’t wake up.

One thing they haven’t tried is using teleportation or quantum tunneling or something to force two pizzas to exist in the same space. One reason for this is that it is cost-prohibitive, and another is that we do not have teleporter technology, and quantum tunneling is just something Race made up to frighten me.

When Pizza Hut called me up to ask my advice about how to revolutionize the pizza industry, I told them it was too late, they’d taken the medium as far as it could go. They said, “well, what if we put three pizzas on top of each other?” I pointed out the obvious engineering difficulties. They suggested an extra layer of interlocking pepperoni to act as a sort of cantilever that would support the weight, and I threatened to hang up.

None of this actually happened, but if it had, I would have told them that there was one thing they hadn’t tried. I would have told them that they had put cheese almost everywhere, but that the final frontier was unexplored. Turn the pizza upside down, I would have said, and call it the Down Under. Cheese on the bottom. Steve Irwin is your spokesperson. Maybe Paul Hogan?

Another possibility is a little something I haven’t really developed fully, but I do have some rough sketches and a basic idea of what how it would work. The pizza folds into a cone shape, and you put the small end in your mouth and pour packets of sauce into the top. We would call it the Pizza Funnel or maybe The Vortex.