I know a hell of a lot about animals, due to the fact that I see animals a lot while I am driving my car, or through my window when I am typing on the computer. A lot of my friends actually call me “Grizzly Adam”, since my name is Adam and I have that sort of unspoken brotherhood with all of God’s manifold creations.

Actually they do not call me this, but I am sure they would if I grew a beard, or if most people were familiar with that show, or thought of me as an animal lover, or if I had friends.

And in the interest of full disclosure, I do not really know much about animals or even like them.

Especially birds, like the crow, who is a bully and has never done anybody any favors, let’s face it. What I also hate is pigeons, because they are shifty and they have no respect for statuary. And let us not forget seagulls, who are by and large anti-semitic.

My opinion about squirrels is mixed. On the one hand I think they are adorable and I like to feed them cookies. On the other hand they do not seem to honor the unspoken agreement at the center of this transaction: that I will give you part of my cookie if you will let me watch you eat it. Many squirrels run away next to a tree and only come back after they have finished. By then I’ve eaten the cookie, and it’s like, “sorry dude, you blew it.”

One animal I like is the duck, especially the ducks we have on campus. They are used to people and have kind of a “fuck you, I’m not moving” attitude that demands immediate respect, if not fear. Machiavelli asked whether it is better to be loved or feared, and I think the answer is that it is better to lie in the grass and have people feed you bread all day.