The time had come when Eucalyptus felt the truth had to come out. They were resting on the bank underneath the train bridge where the river current helped them forget the heat of the corn belt. They were waiting on the approach of the Southern Pacific. Eucalyptus was sitting on some grass higher up, but Idaho and The Colonel were sitting right in the mud, debating in their affected accents, while Gus was urinating on a pylon as he read the graffiti that had been sprayed there.

“Perhaps it is best that I am not a senator of this state, since my only goal would be to pass a law that certain people I do not like would be forced to gather in a public square and dance for my amusement until their hearts explode,” explained The Colonel, staring dreamily across the river.
“I for one am firmly opposed to your platform as it is stated, Colonel,” said Idaho with righteous indignation.
“All the better for you, my boy, since you would undoubtedly be among those whom it would affect!”
“Neither of you gentlemen has the right idea,” said Gus, returning, “what we must do is engage the electorate! Spur a discourse! We must spin the wheels of democracy!”
“We must raise the level of public debate out of the basement!” said Idaho.
“We must raise the level of public debasement!” said The Colonel.

They all said “Here! Here!” and patted each other on the back. Eucalyptus sighed and stood up. He looked at the train tracks and remembered all the miles they had traveled together and the stories they’d shared.

“Guys, I.. there’s something I’d like to tell you.”
“I yield the floor to you, sir,” said The Colonel, gesturing.
”...t-thanks,” he said, working up some nerve. “Guys, I feel like I’ve betrayed you. I… I don’t know how to say this, but I guess I’ve got to. You see, I’m not really a hobo.”

“Does that mean you’re a … ghost?” Gus said as he began to back away slowly, inching towards the river.

“No, it means I’m just a regular guy, and my name isn’t Eucalyptus either. It’s Mark. Actually, I’m from Hollywood, and I’ve just been disguising myself as a hobo so that I could follow you three around for the last three months.”
“Whatever for, my boy?” asked The Colonel incredulously.

He hung his head in shame. “Well, I needed to study you. You see, I’m writing a movie about a crazy hobo who becomes a billionaire, and I needed to learn how to mimic the way you guys go on and on, ranting and raving idiotically for hours. This whole time we were riding the rails together, I was secretly recording you with this microphone in my coat pocket. I’m so sorry, you guys.”

Gus, The Colonel and Idaho stood there feeling betrayed, and in the distance the squall of a brass steam-whistle signalled that the engine was approaching.

“How could you do this to us?” sighed The Colonel
“This is grave.” said Idaho.
“This is robbery!” said Gus.
“This is grave robbery!” they said together, then patted each other on the back, but tearfully.

He couldn’t look them in the face anymore, but he tried to explain himself as best he could. “I know, I know, and you can’t imagine how terrible it has made me feel. Believe me, I’ve suffered. You see, I’ve come to think of you three as my friends. That’s why I’ve decided I’m not going to write this movie, and instead I’m going to destroy this tape recorder so it won’t remind me of what I’ve done.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small object. It was about the size and shape of a tin can, and in fact it was made of tin and said “peaches” on it. He held it up and tapped the side, where a circle had been drawn in pencil with the word “record” above it. He spoke into one end.

“This will be my final entry in this journal. Now I am going to destroy this infernal contraption, and I just hope my friends can forgive me for what I’ve done.”

He threw the tape recorder as hard as he could, and it landed in the middle of the river and floated with the current until, in a few moments, it took on water and sank to the bottom.

“Could you ever forgive me?” he sobbed.

“Of course, my boy. No harm done,” said The Colonel, and since everyone agreed that the matter was satisfactorily resolved, they ran for the train, and caught it, and so on and so forth, et cetera, et cetera, in perpetuity.